spent the tail end of yesterday afternoon playing chicken staring down a phone message from my doctor's office WHY would they be calling on monday when they told me there would be no information until wednesday unless the news was so ragingly, painfully bad that there was no point finishing germination? having finally gotten some sleep all day yesterday i was groggy from something other than the pain medication and i found the fear running through my veins again like a train through the mountains rolling with the momentum of a downhill run, rolling with the power of uphill locomotion my heart racing like a rabbit on the discovery channel, about to be dinner for some fanged beast of prey and knowing the observers weren't going to intercede so i went to the grocery store and there in the publix, between the mojo criollo + the fresh fruit, the crunchy peanut butter and the spanish saffron looking way into the "i don't have a problem" DTs it occurred to me (eek): not calling doesn't outrun the outcome bad news is still bad stuff, even if you refuse to let them tell you pick up the phone, stupid, and dial and so i did... there along the ocean highway with the rain coming down sideways, the malibu flashing and crawling my heart pounding harder than tommy lee in motley crue's most rocking days terrified and driving and holding for dr cooper's nurse the poor nurse forced to tell me to get on a plane because, you know, i must be amputated from the waist up "you're cancer free..." WHAT? "your tests are back... cancer and pre-cancer free" I AM? "yes, you have a pappiloma...and dr cooper can explain that when you come in for your follow-up visit." But...I'm...okay? "perfect." and that's when the crying started. sobbing. bawling. then crying all by itself. in classic holly fashion, though, i also threw up... too much adrenalin with nowhere to go so it created its own exit path and then i cried some more relief. joy. surprise. it was all there. everything i was sure i wouldn't be feeling at the end of the phone call terrified that if i told myself it was nothing, fate would not be amused that i wasn't taking this situation seriously and ZOT the hell out of me terrified enough that i wouldnt consider the possibities for fear of making it real fate being cranky with my lack of faith and ZOTTING the hell out of me so somewhere in a reality akin to a green grape suspended in red jello where denial didn't exactly run rampant, nor fatality frolic like a colt in pastures of green i tried to be stoic, gargle with terror and act as if i don't know how i did really i do know that the people i told made me feel better and everyone who responded to the e-mail were angels with wings on their fingers thank you in ways you can't imagine, for things you wouldn't consider fear of being erased is as bad as the fear of pain i'd like to believe that a bad thing wouldn't make people sidestep me the way we sometimes do street people when we know we can't change their fate people are our greatest strength for just when i was sure i wasn't going to make it to wednesday came this outpouring of strength and hope and love it hopefully wasn't too taxing for you but a huge deal for me and i thank you for it know how powerful little things can be give them whenever you can because my doctor was aggressive about something that was potentially life-threatening -- the very same course of action andre agassi's 30 year old sister took + ended up being positive, but now back in step and shape with a perfect recovery rolling out before her) and know somewhere amongst the packing boxes, i am laughing a laugh of the freaked and now settling that awkward sound that means i have seen experienced something bad but it looks like all is okay because that's where i am this morning painfully grateful both for the results and you and eddie montgomery who let me know to let people reach back a-men and then some it ain't an aerosmith review, but to me -- i PROMISE -- it's every bit as exhilerating! ps: the doctor's office had told me it was tuesday or wednesday because if the results had been dodgy, they'd have wanted to run them twice and because my doctor's speaking at a medical conference and wouldn't have been able to make the double-checked call until then and wisely, he didn't think it was something he should palm off on an assistant talk about sigh and the some -- -- Holly Gleason